I’m here…barely.

I had to take a break from blogging due to a lot of setbacks at the start of this year.  I had something very serious happen and I just was not able to blog.  I can’t share what happened but it was very scary and I didn’t know if I would make it out to be able to live my life as I was used to.  I was in limbo for a very long time and things could have turned out very wrong for me and my family.

I don’t know if I have mentioned this but I do not deal with stress in a very healthy way.  It seems that anytime something extremely stressful happens in my life I do the following things.

    1. Promptly stick my head into the sand and ignore until I absolutely have to deal with it.   When I reach this point there are lots of consequences.
    2. Obsess about it and make myself very sick.  I’m talking make myself sick to the point where my tummy hurts,  constant headaches and not being able to focus on anything but what is stressing me out.

Well, I did both of these earlier this year.  I had a huge set back and could not make myself deal with anything.  At a time when I really needed support I felt like my family and friends abandoned me which had me spiraling deeper into sadness and despair.  I could barely function at work without crying every 2 minutes let alone come home and openany of my mail or deal with anything money related.  The thought of dealing with money and bills made me sick to my stomach.  It wasn’t thought I didn’t have money coming in, I did…I just didn’t have enough of it to pay my bills. And instead of calling everyone right away, I stuck my head in the sand but also obsessed about it.  Well, tonight I found the courage to blog again and to face the stacks of paper that I have ignored for the past 6 months. And, it ain’t pretty.

To be exact, my student loans are in terrible shape.  Two loans are set to go into default by 6/19/11 if I don’t call them to make arrangements.  Another one is due to default in July.  I am literally in tears right now because I have no one to blame for this but myself. I called them immediately but they are closed.  I will call them first thing in the morning but I am so scared of the consequences.

I don’t know what is wrong with me that I can’t deal with things in a healthy way.  I can deal with normal stress and what not but when it comes to life altering crisis I cannot function and I cannot deal.  I am in counseling for this now because I was heading into depression and starting to have anxiety attacks.  Slowly, I’m working on dealing with my problems right away.

I’m slowly opening all the mail and I’m scared of what else awaits me but I’m doing it.


One thought on “I’m here…barely.

  1. Oh, my gosh! This is me! I do the very same thing. I have tried to get my hubby to take over the bills because my coping mechanism is not right. It’s like you say, I know I shouldn’t ignore it but I just can’t handle the problem. I fall to pieces.

    My financial story is complicated, but I definately know how you feel and it is a horrible feeling. The guilt, fear and loneliness of the problem is overwhelming at times.

    Bravo on opening the mail. That is a positive step. I wish I could help. If you know someone you trust to assist you organize things that might help. I don’t have anyone I would want to see my mess or I would do that too.

    If it makes you feel any better, you are not the first one to go on default of a loan nor the first person to go into collections. Saying a prayer for you.

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