This episode with my student loans has me feeling very stressed out about how I deal with personal crisis. Clearly, sticking my head in the sand is not working and being obsessive about is not working. I still can’t figure out why I just shut down when bad things happen instead of facing the problem head on and deal with it. And looking back at when my parents had health problems, I did the same thing. It’s like I stopped caring about money (the making of it, the spending of it, saving of it, allocation of it, etc) and ignored all of it.
I think part of it is because I think to myself that things are already very shitty, who cares? Who cares about saving money when (insert personal crisis)? The truth is, I should care! I should care that I go and get coffee 2 times a day at a pop of $4.53 each. I should care that I’m getting lunch everyday because I don’t want to cook. I should care that I’m buying things that I want because I want to fill an unidentified void. I should care about all of this.
So, how do I fix myself?
Start running again. When I’m stressed out I want to do nothing. I usually just sleep a lot and I usually ignore everything – dirty dishes, loads of laundry, mail, BILLS. Thank God, I don’t ignore my kids and or husband. But most of all, I ignore myself. I stop caring about what I put into my body, I stop caring about how I look, and I stop making time to work out. When in truth, working out and running makes every problem seem like it is insignificant. So, starting tomorrow I’m going to make it a priority to run 6 times a week and do weights 4 days a week.
I am going to start seeing a therapist to see if that will help me deal with stress. The therapist is covered under my insurance at 100% with only a $20 co pay and each session is an hour long. I am going to go once to see if it will help me before I invest more time and money into it. I have no idea what to expect since I’ve never seen a therapist in my life. All I can imagine in my head is me being laid across a sofa with a therapist asking me, “…well, how did that make you feel?” and “What do you think you could have done differently?”
I am going to start journaling as well as a way to let out my feelings so I’m not keeping them bottled inside. I remember journaling my way through high school and never being so stressed out when I was doing it. I don’t trust a lot of people and don’t feel like I should bother them with my list of problems, which means I keep everything bottled up inside. I think by journaling I can get some of my thoughts out without having to trust anyone else.
I’m also going to blog again. Blogging helped to keep me accountable. After all, I’m putting my business out for everyone on the internet to see. And, I also get to maintain some anonymity in the process.